Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
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We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine