Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
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being insane should at least burn calories
Some people were born into their job.
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My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.