Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
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Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.