Isn’t
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*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
all bases covered
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.