#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
technically true but not a great slogan
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.