ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
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mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.