@tigersgoroooar

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

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@StumblerTop

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

@kelkulus

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

@Fingers_of_Fury

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

@BrainFumbles

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

@BDGarp

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

@chuchugoogoo

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

@SkinnerSteven

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

@envydatropic

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

@panmidwest

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

@liljonlovitz

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM