It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

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I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.


ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!


Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.


I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .


“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.


I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.


Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!


@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?


I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.