It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

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What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination


Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.


Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*


How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.


I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.


“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.


🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi


So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….


BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]


ME: you hear that?
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]