It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
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customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now