I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
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ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Ann: I wanna break up
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.