it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Oh. My. God.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Comparing yourself to others