It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
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PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
You had me at “define legal”.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”