It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
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Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god