It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
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I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10