“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
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Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.