It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I thought this was funny lol
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.