It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me