It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?