It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
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*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know