It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
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Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
thanksgiving in nutshell
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side