It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
What a chick magnet..
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
meanwhile over on facebook
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case