It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
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You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
#oldknees
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*