It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
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I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
President The Rock Obama
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta