It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
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BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Need this in my life lol
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.