It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.