It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
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If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.