It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup