It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
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When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
repaired
