It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces