Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

🙂🐾

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it