It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
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Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I ate everything, including the H.
🤣😂🤣😂
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance