IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
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Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal