IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
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Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Another interesting #factupdates post!
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!