It has been 3 years since Monday.
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Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶