It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
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Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.