It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
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Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files