It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.