@mk_lobb

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

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@kelkulus

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

@kentgrossarth

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

@BeerFarts101

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

@Storminika

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

@DannyZuker

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

@1Happytwit

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

@roxiqt

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

@MicheleAKALips

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.