It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
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“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(