It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
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Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Meanwhile in Canada…
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
felt that
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.