It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
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Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car