It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Wait for it
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.