IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
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*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;