It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
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You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.