It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.