It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
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Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Wait for it
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
True.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Just a bush.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.