It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.

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I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.


Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.


alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first


Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that


Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.


A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.


[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack


[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No


*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*