It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
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After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Whoa 😂
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I think my mom just blocked me
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.