it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
You Might Also Like
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
A fake ID that makes you younger
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
There is no “we” in pizza
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Ugh
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I’ve had worse
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.