it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
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ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering