It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
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if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.