It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes