It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
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Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Bill is short for Billiam
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Camping tip: No.
Body by Oreos
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site