It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
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You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
describing stardew valley
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.