It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
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There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.