It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
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My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
#NoRestForTheWicked
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up