It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
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So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it