It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
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I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.