It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
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If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me too door. Me too.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Guys, I found it.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My flabber has been gasted.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…