It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business